Goofy and Great

It's not the best one I took today (the best has slightly better focus and quite a bit better composition) but it's the greatest. I mean, come on, isn't it adorably goofy? I know she's just cleaning, but frozen in time like that just makes me giggle. (Okay, lots of things right now make me grin and giggle.)

I did my Chemsistry exam today! Yeah! Feel like I went well, even with a few small things I didn't know, and that means that my most worrisome exam is done! (More exclamation abuse today.) I came into knowing Yr 9 level Chem while it expected Yr 12 level Chem, and I managed it. Maybe I won't ace it, but I've done damn well for trying to pick up 2.5 years in 4 months. I'm not going to be shy or modest about it -- I worked hard and it paid off, and I'm very very happy about it.

And I took some funny goose photos. What could be a better day?

I did get studying done for my final exam tomorrow, Maths. Although it was a bit tough I got it done and scored well, so I feel confident (must look up the spelling of that...). I'm ready. I'm pumped. And once it's done, I"M GOING HOME!

Tuesday the 19th of June 2007 is a GREAT day. Monday the 18th of June 2007 was a PRETTY DAMN GOOD day too.

(Now the little gremlins will come in the night to steal my caps-key and exclamation-key.)


Wolverine.

Big Smiles

Six little birds, all in a row. Lookie at them. They wouldn't let me get much closer; they all flew off about 30 seconds after this photo.

Had a great day today. Finished TWO past Chemistry exams, which makes me feel a lot more confident about the exam. I feel ready for it, which is good, because it's tomorrow! (I'm Miss Exclamation! tonight.)

Not only did I get academic stuff done, but I spent a couple hours 'networking', ie, making friends, which is the first time I've really managed to come out of my shell around here. Felt great. Took up the majority-rest of the evening, but it was worth it. And then I came across the 'Free Hugs Campaign'. What a great way for things to fall together. I need a 'Free Hugs' t-shirt, or jacket, or something. Then I could 'Free Hug' even when I'm doing other things.

Academic, social and personal stuff, all in one day. And I got rained on. Well, can't ask for everything.

Wolverine.

Not Very Interesting -- More Study

A recent photo, although not today's. I only took four today, and they weren't worth putting up.

Haven't had a brilliant day, during a time when I cannot really afford to have off days. Struggled to get any work done, mainly due to focus and motivation and frustration. I only have one and half days until my exams are completely over. Eek. That means that tomorrow I have to study, and then Monday after my Chem exam I have to study for my Maths exam. And then by Tuesday afternoon I'll be free!

Huge mug of chamomile, early night and a fresh start tomorrow. Bright perspective. Might go out for an early morning walk and freeze or something similar.

Wolverine.

Exam 2 -- Tick!

Very old photo (at least 2 years old now, eek). I still like it, even after ages. Estoric but done completely using non-digital techniques. I call it 'Angel'.

When someone asks you a questions, you normally either give a quick answer -- Do you like coffee? No -- or you stop and think -- What do you think about ... ? Most answers come into the quick category, but with a little imput from the thinking category.

I completed my second exam today. When my parents or my friend that I saw today asked how I went, I replied, "Not brilliantly, but not too bad." So, fairly neutral. Composed. When an almost-stranger in my residence passed me on the way back from the kitchen and asked the same question, I grinned and said "Good!" So, a good response this time.

The composed answers came through the filter of my thinking mode. I didn't want to appear just emotional, without reason. I did have reasons to think the whole exam didn't go great; I didn't get all of it right, for a start. But the natural, impulsive response tends to be the one that I truely believe inside. I think it's probably the same for all of us. So, despite my acknowledgement of the unobtainable answers, I feel the exam went well overall.

Now that's a nice place to be after an exam.


Wolverine.

'Two's and 'Twoo's

Today is the day for two's. It is the first day of my second week here. (2 weeks.) It is the day before my second exam. (2 exams.) When that exam is done (which I have already completed studying for) I will have 2 exams left. And 2 ducks. Well, of course.

I remember the very high's and low's of me a few years ago. Whether it was depression or just severe teenage hormones, I don't really care anymore. I'm just glad when, like today, I have a fairly bad up-and-down day in terms of emotions, that I'm not in that place anymore. Nothing can compare to manic highs and depressive lows. So, even on bad days, when I'm struggling - going fine - struggling - breezing by, I can see how much better life is now.

Which opens the door to how much better life could be. When I was in the depths of my depressive stage, I couldn't see anything better. Well, I could, but I couldn't see it happening to me. Isn't that what many people see in their lives? Sure, some people are super happy, but it's not for me. I'm fine just where I am.

Until you've climbed out of pits, you don't know what a blessing ground level can be, but you also can see the possibility that this 'ground level' is just the leg-up for a higher and better stage.

Got my exam tomorrow. I've struggled to get projects in on time, to understand many complex functions, to find the motivation to work. I want a good mark right now, I have reasons and the ambition for it, and I can do it. Beat that, nyeah.

Someone proabably can. But right now, that's good enough for me. I'll explore the next level up soon.

Think positive. It works.


Wolverine.

Preening

Silly little duckie. I think he looks cute, preening himself and generating a nice ripple effect at the same time.

This isn't going to be a long post. I have the start of a headache from being on the computer and listening to music (even quietly) for too long, so I know I have to get off quick smart before I aggravate it.

I enojyed today though, mostly. I did my first uni exam and went well in it! Yay for me! It was Physics, one of the subjects I've struggled with this semester, so I'm overjoyed that I was able to get through it fairly well, put an answer to everything and feel that I understood (or at least memorised) most of the important points. So now it's done, and on to the next subject.

I've spent most of my past few days, when I haven't been studying, on a site I've found recently. It's a personal development site, and some of things he says are pretty thought-provoking. Especially the stuff about following your dreams and doing the things you love and getting out of life exactly what you want, not what other people say you should want.

I'll get through my exams and then spend my break pondering all of that and what it means to me. Why am I here, right now, in this place? Why did I feel like I was led to be here? Where is it going (dangerous ground now)? What can I do to make my life better? What are my weaknesses and how can I improve them?

That's a heap of things, and I can't do everything at once. I know that. You know that. Everyone knows that you can't work-play-run-sleep all at the same time (well, maybe occassionally...). So I'll keep my commitments to one at a time for now, while I slowly figure out what commitments I want. And how to be happy NOW. Not later. Not soon. Now.

Smiling is a great start. Smile as often as you can. I think right now, I'll smile, have a chamomile and then sleep. A good start for a new day tomorrow.

Wolverine.

Little Things

It may not be the greatest photo in the world, but it's the best I could get of this tricksy little bird. I ran across a description while looking up the species -- Musk Lorikeet -- that said they "fly bullet-like from tree to tree looking for food", which is exactly right. This one darted about, hopping from branch to branch, hiding in amongst the leaves, bolting higher in the tree whenever it felt like it. Geez. Some people (birds) are so difficult sometimes.

I took my photo-taking break earlier today, when I really needed to get out of my room. I was desperately restless, tired and lonely. But somehow, watching the birds (and chasing after them with a camera) always seems to make me feel better. Maybe it's just the complete different-ness of that challenge to that of uni and studying. The latter's very left-brain, organised, precise, but taking photos and jumping from vantage point to new vantage point isn't just about composition and focus. It's about the way things fit together and that's not a left-brain thing, that's a right-brain thing. You can't analyse a photo while you're taking it, especially when it's fast action. You just have to take the best shots you can.

So there I was, balancing on a narrow fence near a steep slope, wobbling and tensing-untensing-tensing my muscles trying to stay still, listening to the leaves rustling and the birdcalls when I couldn't see the darn little thing (those red patches vanish astonishly quickly, leaving just the green, which happens to be the perfect green of eucalyptus leaves) and just enjoying myself. I love taking photos of birds. It's just the challenge I need, and it was just the one I needed today.

I had another down spiral later today, in the evening. Homesick, restless again, lonely. I had to get out and go for a walk in the semi-dark (lots of lights, the sun had set though, long before). I wandered down to the little jetty on the lake nearby and just stood there, watching the lamplights wink at me from their reflections on the shifting water. I eventually noticed the ducks that were still paddling around, almost silent except for the splash that caught my attention and a few after that. So quiet and peaceful. It did calm me down, as I'd hoped.

So right now I'm just finishing off my second apple. Apples calm me down too. I cut them up into thick slices (quarters, generally), core them and drop them into a bowl of cold water. I know I'm hopeless with being distracted and completely forgetting to eat, so the water keeps them nice and fresh, as well as cool and crisp. I like sweetness, so I like red ones, but so far I've only found Fuji that are crisp enough for my liking.

So, my day has been full of calming, enjoyable things. Lorikeets, photos, ducks, apples, walks in the dark. Plenty.

I did get some studying done. I finished my last past/practise exam for Physics, and got a decent enough score. I'm happy with that, going into the exam tomorrow. I feel confidant.

And now, I think I'll have a chamomile soon, and then get to bed. I'm not sleepy right now, but I will be soon, and I want a good sleep before tomorrow's exam. I'm not too worried. I know where to go and everything.


Wolverine.

Do It Now

It's not the best photo, but it is the best for symbolising me right now.

I found this site this evening after spending most of the day struggling to work, and it's brilliant. (The title of this post is the title of one of his articles.) I am going to follow his 'teachings' for the next two weeks and then use them to create my own versions.

My goal: to pass the exams with a 75% rate overall. 70% for Physics and Chemistry, 80% for Maths and Structure.

My future goal will be to understand the subjects and explore them, but I cannot do that without first getting past this hurdle and then learning the stuff I don't understand when I have the time.

Steve promotes time management, focusing on one thing intensely and having the enthusiasm to get it done because it matters to you. That is what the next two weeks are going to be. Not grunt grunt grunt, but focus, fast learning and memorising the mundane things that need memorising. I can do that. I will do that.

Wolverine.

What Can You See?

"Know what I can see?" Tate said, "From this distance, everything is so bloody perfect."

-- on the jellicoe road, Melina Marchetta

Today, I went out side for a break from the heatered, comfortable, boring inside of my room. It had been raining, but for those few minutes it wasn't. Windy, and the trees kept dumping droplets on me, but not raining. I took my camera out with me, not sure what I wanted to take, but just something.

I found the leaves with their droplets on, suspended in time. I was struggling to take photos of them, looking up and up; I'm not exactly the world's tallest person, and the wind was shaking the leaves too. While I was busy with that, someone walked past. Don't know who he was, although I think he lives in my residence.

"What can you see up there?" he asked.

"Water droplets," I replied and then, a moment later, paused. I'd just read on the jellicoe road recently, so the wording stuck in my head. The guy had already shrugged and walked on, but I realised it was an important question. What do you see everyday? What do you see when things are ordinary and life is just a daily drudge? What do you see to make even the most boring day special?

What can I see?

I saw water droplets, suspended in time, clinging on despite the frantic shaking of the branches.

What can YOU see?


Wolverine.

Picking Up Myself

Another gorgeous sky at uni today. Taken just after 5pm, maybe around 5.15pm. I'd say the colours were gone by 5.25pm. But for those few minutes, they're wonderful. I enjoyed taking the photos; it only took up about 10-15 minutes of my time, yet it was a great break from thinking about uni. I must remember to allow myself these downtimes and breaks, just not let them dominate everything else.

I've linked to this blog over at Forward Motion. I decided I can keep up with fairly regular posts without too much difficulty, even when I'm busy (or supposed to be busy). These are my thoughts, which I have -- up until now -- been unloading onto the 'Daily Page and Word Count' (ie, daily goals) board at FM. I've never felt 100% comfortable about that, however, because most of the people there are busy enough as it is!

Today I got more done than yesterday, which is always a plus when I'm in a slump. However, my affirmations (and probably also my irriation at myself) worked somewhat today at least: I have not napped, although I did put my head down on my knees for a few minutes. Just to close my eyes. I struggled to get up and decided I should lie in if my body needed to. Also, perhaps tuning in to my trying, my 8am lecture tomorrow is now schedule for 10am, and it's my only class. So a sleep in, breakfast and a morning shower. All ways I like to start my days infinitely more than getting up early and rushing off to class.

Affirmations, so I've heard, work better if phrased positively. So, "I will start something tomorrow" is much better than "I will not delay said something any longer". I have been going to bed too late recently, so I must remember to be mindful of the clock at this time of night, my natural time.



I will finish my chamomile and go to bed soon after.


I'm still not sure how to phrase 'tomorrow' in affirmations. It seems repetitive to repeat it in every affirmation, but at the same time I want to send a clear message to my subconscious: This is what is happening (but not right this second). So, for now, I shall just group my 'tomorrow' affirmations together:


I will complete all my quizzes and be ready to do revision afterwards.
I will wash my dishes.


And now my chamomile is too cold, so I believe it's time to finish this up and head off to bed.


Wolverine.

Affirmations over Irritation

A sunset over my uni late last week. It was brighter in reality, but it's still nice. Strange tower though.

Did not get anywhere near as much done today as I wanted? When does enough become enough? At what point will I get so irritated with myself that I'll kick myself into working? How close does it have to get to exams before I panic and beat myself up? (Already beating myself up in my head, not panicking yet.)

I am also irritated that, no matter what, I am tired most of the time. Except for later at night, when I wake up! Actually, my eyes are physically tired and drooping, like the rest of the day, but I haven't been sleeping well. (Bugger. The clock just kicked over to 12.00. That means this won't actually post on the right date -- it's still Tuesday in my head, although the clock would insist not. Bah. It's still the same day until you sleep, then the next day arrives fresh. I wonder what that would mean with an all-nighter? In a world where it made a difference?)

One thing I have read about and have been trying to remember is the use of affirmations and visualisations. The former is 'easy' for word-people, the latter is 'easy' for picture-people; for me, both are hard. The voices in my head don't like to be silenced or changed, and as for seeing, y'know, pictures in my head? When I close my eyes it goes dark, don't you know?

But I'm trying. The easiest on paper (or blog) are affirmations, because they are words. So, why not get started now. Each post will contain an affirmation, clearly set out as such. I am focusing on improving my life, and this is just one more step down that path. (I can see the path in my head, so I do actually understand what people mean by 'seeing' or visualing things in their heads. I just struggle with it.)

I go to bed at a reasonable time.
I fall asleep easily and wake up refreshed after an uninterrupted night.

That's enough for now. I'm not going to overload, just whatever is on my mind right at the time of posting. Actually, I think that means I need another:

I do the work I need to do in order to approach my exams prepared to my satisfaction.

Right. Now, time for bed. Chamomile down. I am going to do a few quick back exercises, because the muscles there need strengthening, especially with carrying heavy bags around all day. After that, it's a few minutes reading my Tranquility book and then lights out. And a good night's sleep.

Wolverine

'Joie de vivre' and self discipline/motivation

A nice picture of my little dog, Billy. He takes well in high contrast. About a week ago now.

Self discipline is very tough sometimes. Right now, I know I should be studying. I know I've got exams in two weeks. (How could I not?) I know I don't know enough to go as well as I want to. But I still don't study. Sometimes I just don't study as much as I should; lately I've hardly been studying at all.

I've been getting back to my room, reading something or coming online and being bored wandering around sites pointlessly. I've been dozing and napping and lying around. But studying is boring too; it's not like doing it would 'un-bored' me. I think that's the problem. Once I get started I'm okay, I can keep going. But it's the getting started that I struggle with. Especially with past/practise exams, because they run for three hours. Three hours straight is a very difficult block of time to set aside. I've got revision lectures (not very helpful, so far), tutorials and labs, breakfast/lunch/dinner to eat not too early, not too late, a phonecall from my parents later in the evening... a whole bunch of stuff that seems to give me 1 or 2 hour blocks to work with, but rarely 3 hours. Still, I know I just have to sit down and do them. If I get interrupted, I'll just have to get my concentration back and go back to work. Nothing else I can do.

My down mood is carrying on from the weekend, when I was really mopey and unsure of what point uni actually is. Do I want a career, is this the right direction, can I stay focused on it for very long, etc. Pointless whining that doesn't help anyone, especially me. So, my focus for the week is joie de vivre, or 'the joy of living'. (There might be some accents in there, but I don't really know French.) I need to consciously focus on finding happiness in my life right now, as it is currently constituted. Can't look forward or back for happiness now, except to focus on things that I'm looking forward to. Like, right now, I'm having a drink of chamomile. And a little while after that, I'll be going to bed and getting some sleep. And tomorrow morning I've got my latest start (10am) and I can cook breakfast and take my time with it. Little things.

So. I need to find some positive things about uni. Right now they're mostly about health and food and sleep. Great things, but not very study-inspiring. Therefore, I shall think. Hmm....

I know I feel confidant about most of my Structures subject. If I do a past exam of that then I should feel confidant enough to fix my problems with my other subjects. I've got a big gap tomorrow between classes; five hours, enough for walking to the uni and back, eating lunch and a full practise exam. Sounds like a plan.

Almost finished my chamomile. I like this nighttime ritual.


Wolverine.

Gasp!: The Gap in the Blog

There is a gap in the blog. Probably not noticable -- anyone wandering through would have thought "Tried for a couple of days and then gave up." Well, it's actually just my routine. I spend the week at my residence at uni, but on the weekends I go home. I love home. At this point, most other teenagers would stare at me and wonder what planet I came from. Nearly all of them want to get out, away from their parents and the confines of home.

I found that the comforts and love and company of home are better than freedom. That is my personal opinion, obviously, and not many people share it, but that's how I see my world.

So, every Friday night I pack up my belongings and head home. It's a two hour train trip or a 45 minute drive, and with baggage the trains would be a nightmare anyway, so I get picked up. Both my parents work, so they don't get here until about 8pm, so I have time to get packed. (Before my mum started her new job, she'd pick me up around 5-6pm.) I wash all the dishes I have left -- that could be anything from one meal's worth to the entire week's (grammar?). All my used clothes get taken home, and any leftover bits of foods -- throwing more than a tiny scrap of food away at the residence tends to bring in the ants, so it's easier just to throw it away at home. It's more than I would have thought from just a week of usage, but it does add up. I also tend to take some uni-work home but not end up getting it done. Home is for relaxing and sleeping and cooking and loving my family.

So, here it is, Sunday night again. I came back earlier this afternoon, like every other week. Packed up pre-cooked meals for the majority of the week, some clean clothes and any other random bits and pieces I need to bring, and head back over. It's normally only half an hour on Sunday afternoons, because it's light traffic. It is, however, down the busiest road in the state (in the country? not sure).

And now, after having read my third book of the weekend and dozed for a couple of hours, I am ready for bed. I'm tired, and I haven't been feeling very good this weekend. In the head, that is; I'm struggling to find a purpose and a reason to keep going with uni and a career and all that. I talked to my dad and he tried to help, and I know it is better than this. Brooding does not help. I know this. What helps is to find the positive things and work with those. Like, right now, I'm about to have a chamomile tea and then get some sleep. That's good. And after tomorrow, all my projects for the semester will be finished. And in just over three weeks, all my exams will be over and I'll have a month's break, during which I can sleep, uninterrupted, at home. They're all good things. I have plans to see friends and smile.

Much better than moping. So, time for that chamomile. Goodnight all!


Wolverine.