Kiwifruit

Wow. It really has been a long time since I've been here. I've been enjoying my life and I guess I just haven't felt the need to post. However, there are topics I want to explore further that I don't feel are appropriate for or right to post on the goals board, so I think here would be perfect.

Today I ate a kiwifruit for the first time in quite a few years. I had abandoned them, scorning them as too sharp, too biting, perhaps even sour. Bitter. Strange, for I'd liked them up until that point.

Have you ever seen a double-ended kiwifruit knife-spoon? Safe to carry around, safe to take to primary school, and generally a fun, bright colour, they were part of my childhood. I'd cut the top of my kiwi off with the blunt little knife-end, and then sit happily scooping out the flesh. Bright green flesh with a pale centre and little black seeds. It has the most amazing look to it.

So today, for the first time in years, I ate one again. Even the centre, even the seeds. Today I was lacking a knife-spoon, those little plastic things which never even had a nickname. Or maybe they did, and I just can't remember. But today I didn't have one. I sliced the skin off in a spiral, like my mum does, although nowhere near as efficiently as she can. Sadly, I lost quite a lot of the flesh in misplaced cuts, leaving it still stuck to the skin. Supposedly you can eat the skin, but it's all furry, and I couldn't imagine putting it in my mouth.

I cut it up into fork-sized chunks, and ate the whole thing (although it *was* little) in about thirty seconds flat. It was sweet and just the tiniest bit sharp, and it was beautiful.

And I'd only brought one with me: 'to try'. I could have eaten half a dozen more.

Wolverine.

Little Things

It may not be the greatest photo in the world, but it's the best I could get of this tricksy little bird. I ran across a description while looking up the species -- Musk Lorikeet -- that said they "fly bullet-like from tree to tree looking for food", which is exactly right. This one darted about, hopping from branch to branch, hiding in amongst the leaves, bolting higher in the tree whenever it felt like it. Geez. Some people (birds) are so difficult sometimes.

I took my photo-taking break earlier today, when I really needed to get out of my room. I was desperately restless, tired and lonely. But somehow, watching the birds (and chasing after them with a camera) always seems to make me feel better. Maybe it's just the complete different-ness of that challenge to that of uni and studying. The latter's very left-brain, organised, precise, but taking photos and jumping from vantage point to new vantage point isn't just about composition and focus. It's about the way things fit together and that's not a left-brain thing, that's a right-brain thing. You can't analyse a photo while you're taking it, especially when it's fast action. You just have to take the best shots you can.

So there I was, balancing on a narrow fence near a steep slope, wobbling and tensing-untensing-tensing my muscles trying to stay still, listening to the leaves rustling and the birdcalls when I couldn't see the darn little thing (those red patches vanish astonishly quickly, leaving just the green, which happens to be the perfect green of eucalyptus leaves) and just enjoying myself. I love taking photos of birds. It's just the challenge I need, and it was just the one I needed today.

I had another down spiral later today, in the evening. Homesick, restless again, lonely. I had to get out and go for a walk in the semi-dark (lots of lights, the sun had set though, long before). I wandered down to the little jetty on the lake nearby and just stood there, watching the lamplights wink at me from their reflections on the shifting water. I eventually noticed the ducks that were still paddling around, almost silent except for the splash that caught my attention and a few after that. So quiet and peaceful. It did calm me down, as I'd hoped.

So right now I'm just finishing off my second apple. Apples calm me down too. I cut them up into thick slices (quarters, generally), core them and drop them into a bowl of cold water. I know I'm hopeless with being distracted and completely forgetting to eat, so the water keeps them nice and fresh, as well as cool and crisp. I like sweetness, so I like red ones, but so far I've only found Fuji that are crisp enough for my liking.

So, my day has been full of calming, enjoyable things. Lorikeets, photos, ducks, apples, walks in the dark. Plenty.

I did get some studying done. I finished my last past/practise exam for Physics, and got a decent enough score. I'm happy with that, going into the exam tomorrow. I feel confidant.

And now, I think I'll have a chamomile soon, and then get to bed. I'm not sleepy right now, but I will be soon, and I want a good sleep before tomorrow's exam. I'm not too worried. I know where to go and everything.


Wolverine.

What Can You See?

"Know what I can see?" Tate said, "From this distance, everything is so bloody perfect."

-- on the jellicoe road, Melina Marchetta

Today, I went out side for a break from the heatered, comfortable, boring inside of my room. It had been raining, but for those few minutes it wasn't. Windy, and the trees kept dumping droplets on me, but not raining. I took my camera out with me, not sure what I wanted to take, but just something.

I found the leaves with their droplets on, suspended in time. I was struggling to take photos of them, looking up and up; I'm not exactly the world's tallest person, and the wind was shaking the leaves too. While I was busy with that, someone walked past. Don't know who he was, although I think he lives in my residence.

"What can you see up there?" he asked.

"Water droplets," I replied and then, a moment later, paused. I'd just read on the jellicoe road recently, so the wording stuck in my head. The guy had already shrugged and walked on, but I realised it was an important question. What do you see everyday? What do you see when things are ordinary and life is just a daily drudge? What do you see to make even the most boring day special?

What can I see?

I saw water droplets, suspended in time, clinging on despite the frantic shaking of the branches.

What can YOU see?


Wolverine.

'Joie de vivre' and self discipline/motivation

A nice picture of my little dog, Billy. He takes well in high contrast. About a week ago now.

Self discipline is very tough sometimes. Right now, I know I should be studying. I know I've got exams in two weeks. (How could I not?) I know I don't know enough to go as well as I want to. But I still don't study. Sometimes I just don't study as much as I should; lately I've hardly been studying at all.

I've been getting back to my room, reading something or coming online and being bored wandering around sites pointlessly. I've been dozing and napping and lying around. But studying is boring too; it's not like doing it would 'un-bored' me. I think that's the problem. Once I get started I'm okay, I can keep going. But it's the getting started that I struggle with. Especially with past/practise exams, because they run for three hours. Three hours straight is a very difficult block of time to set aside. I've got revision lectures (not very helpful, so far), tutorials and labs, breakfast/lunch/dinner to eat not too early, not too late, a phonecall from my parents later in the evening... a whole bunch of stuff that seems to give me 1 or 2 hour blocks to work with, but rarely 3 hours. Still, I know I just have to sit down and do them. If I get interrupted, I'll just have to get my concentration back and go back to work. Nothing else I can do.

My down mood is carrying on from the weekend, when I was really mopey and unsure of what point uni actually is. Do I want a career, is this the right direction, can I stay focused on it for very long, etc. Pointless whining that doesn't help anyone, especially me. So, my focus for the week is joie de vivre, or 'the joy of living'. (There might be some accents in there, but I don't really know French.) I need to consciously focus on finding happiness in my life right now, as it is currently constituted. Can't look forward or back for happiness now, except to focus on things that I'm looking forward to. Like, right now, I'm having a drink of chamomile. And a little while after that, I'll be going to bed and getting some sleep. And tomorrow morning I've got my latest start (10am) and I can cook breakfast and take my time with it. Little things.

So. I need to find some positive things about uni. Right now they're mostly about health and food and sleep. Great things, but not very study-inspiring. Therefore, I shall think. Hmm....

I know I feel confidant about most of my Structures subject. If I do a past exam of that then I should feel confidant enough to fix my problems with my other subjects. I've got a big gap tomorrow between classes; five hours, enough for walking to the uni and back, eating lunch and a full practise exam. Sounds like a plan.

Almost finished my chamomile. I like this nighttime ritual.


Wolverine.