What Can You See?

"Know what I can see?" Tate said, "From this distance, everything is so bloody perfect."

-- on the jellicoe road, Melina Marchetta

Today, I went out side for a break from the heatered, comfortable, boring inside of my room. It had been raining, but for those few minutes it wasn't. Windy, and the trees kept dumping droplets on me, but not raining. I took my camera out with me, not sure what I wanted to take, but just something.

I found the leaves with their droplets on, suspended in time. I was struggling to take photos of them, looking up and up; I'm not exactly the world's tallest person, and the wind was shaking the leaves too. While I was busy with that, someone walked past. Don't know who he was, although I think he lives in my residence.

"What can you see up there?" he asked.

"Water droplets," I replied and then, a moment later, paused. I'd just read on the jellicoe road recently, so the wording stuck in my head. The guy had already shrugged and walked on, but I realised it was an important question. What do you see everyday? What do you see when things are ordinary and life is just a daily drudge? What do you see to make even the most boring day special?

What can I see?

I saw water droplets, suspended in time, clinging on despite the frantic shaking of the branches.

What can YOU see?


Wolverine.

Munched Mushroom

Another photo I took today. I couldn't choose between this and the sky, so I had to put both in! It really looks like this pretty mushroom has been nibbled at by something, doesn't it? I hope it's still around tomorrow; I want to take some more photos of it in better light than dusk light.





Wolverine.

Picking Up Myself

Another gorgeous sky at uni today. Taken just after 5pm, maybe around 5.15pm. I'd say the colours were gone by 5.25pm. But for those few minutes, they're wonderful. I enjoyed taking the photos; it only took up about 10-15 minutes of my time, yet it was a great break from thinking about uni. I must remember to allow myself these downtimes and breaks, just not let them dominate everything else.

I've linked to this blog over at Forward Motion. I decided I can keep up with fairly regular posts without too much difficulty, even when I'm busy (or supposed to be busy). These are my thoughts, which I have -- up until now -- been unloading onto the 'Daily Page and Word Count' (ie, daily goals) board at FM. I've never felt 100% comfortable about that, however, because most of the people there are busy enough as it is!

Today I got more done than yesterday, which is always a plus when I'm in a slump. However, my affirmations (and probably also my irriation at myself) worked somewhat today at least: I have not napped, although I did put my head down on my knees for a few minutes. Just to close my eyes. I struggled to get up and decided I should lie in if my body needed to. Also, perhaps tuning in to my trying, my 8am lecture tomorrow is now schedule for 10am, and it's my only class. So a sleep in, breakfast and a morning shower. All ways I like to start my days infinitely more than getting up early and rushing off to class.

Affirmations, so I've heard, work better if phrased positively. So, "I will start something tomorrow" is much better than "I will not delay said something any longer". I have been going to bed too late recently, so I must remember to be mindful of the clock at this time of night, my natural time.



I will finish my chamomile and go to bed soon after.


I'm still not sure how to phrase 'tomorrow' in affirmations. It seems repetitive to repeat it in every affirmation, but at the same time I want to send a clear message to my subconscious: This is what is happening (but not right this second). So, for now, I shall just group my 'tomorrow' affirmations together:


I will complete all my quizzes and be ready to do revision afterwards.
I will wash my dishes.


And now my chamomile is too cold, so I believe it's time to finish this up and head off to bed.


Wolverine.

Affirmations over Irritation

A sunset over my uni late last week. It was brighter in reality, but it's still nice. Strange tower though.

Did not get anywhere near as much done today as I wanted? When does enough become enough? At what point will I get so irritated with myself that I'll kick myself into working? How close does it have to get to exams before I panic and beat myself up? (Already beating myself up in my head, not panicking yet.)

I am also irritated that, no matter what, I am tired most of the time. Except for later at night, when I wake up! Actually, my eyes are physically tired and drooping, like the rest of the day, but I haven't been sleeping well. (Bugger. The clock just kicked over to 12.00. That means this won't actually post on the right date -- it's still Tuesday in my head, although the clock would insist not. Bah. It's still the same day until you sleep, then the next day arrives fresh. I wonder what that would mean with an all-nighter? In a world where it made a difference?)

One thing I have read about and have been trying to remember is the use of affirmations and visualisations. The former is 'easy' for word-people, the latter is 'easy' for picture-people; for me, both are hard. The voices in my head don't like to be silenced or changed, and as for seeing, y'know, pictures in my head? When I close my eyes it goes dark, don't you know?

But I'm trying. The easiest on paper (or blog) are affirmations, because they are words. So, why not get started now. Each post will contain an affirmation, clearly set out as such. I am focusing on improving my life, and this is just one more step down that path. (I can see the path in my head, so I do actually understand what people mean by 'seeing' or visualing things in their heads. I just struggle with it.)

I go to bed at a reasonable time.
I fall asleep easily and wake up refreshed after an uninterrupted night.

That's enough for now. I'm not going to overload, just whatever is on my mind right at the time of posting. Actually, I think that means I need another:

I do the work I need to do in order to approach my exams prepared to my satisfaction.

Right. Now, time for bed. Chamomile down. I am going to do a few quick back exercises, because the muscles there need strengthening, especially with carrying heavy bags around all day. After that, it's a few minutes reading my Tranquility book and then lights out. And a good night's sleep.

Wolverine

'Joie de vivre' and self discipline/motivation

A nice picture of my little dog, Billy. He takes well in high contrast. About a week ago now.

Self discipline is very tough sometimes. Right now, I know I should be studying. I know I've got exams in two weeks. (How could I not?) I know I don't know enough to go as well as I want to. But I still don't study. Sometimes I just don't study as much as I should; lately I've hardly been studying at all.

I've been getting back to my room, reading something or coming online and being bored wandering around sites pointlessly. I've been dozing and napping and lying around. But studying is boring too; it's not like doing it would 'un-bored' me. I think that's the problem. Once I get started I'm okay, I can keep going. But it's the getting started that I struggle with. Especially with past/practise exams, because they run for three hours. Three hours straight is a very difficult block of time to set aside. I've got revision lectures (not very helpful, so far), tutorials and labs, breakfast/lunch/dinner to eat not too early, not too late, a phonecall from my parents later in the evening... a whole bunch of stuff that seems to give me 1 or 2 hour blocks to work with, but rarely 3 hours. Still, I know I just have to sit down and do them. If I get interrupted, I'll just have to get my concentration back and go back to work. Nothing else I can do.

My down mood is carrying on from the weekend, when I was really mopey and unsure of what point uni actually is. Do I want a career, is this the right direction, can I stay focused on it for very long, etc. Pointless whining that doesn't help anyone, especially me. So, my focus for the week is joie de vivre, or 'the joy of living'. (There might be some accents in there, but I don't really know French.) I need to consciously focus on finding happiness in my life right now, as it is currently constituted. Can't look forward or back for happiness now, except to focus on things that I'm looking forward to. Like, right now, I'm having a drink of chamomile. And a little while after that, I'll be going to bed and getting some sleep. And tomorrow morning I've got my latest start (10am) and I can cook breakfast and take my time with it. Little things.

So. I need to find some positive things about uni. Right now they're mostly about health and food and sleep. Great things, but not very study-inspiring. Therefore, I shall think. Hmm....

I know I feel confidant about most of my Structures subject. If I do a past exam of that then I should feel confidant enough to fix my problems with my other subjects. I've got a big gap tomorrow between classes; five hours, enough for walking to the uni and back, eating lunch and a full practise exam. Sounds like a plan.

Almost finished my chamomile. I like this nighttime ritual.


Wolverine.

Curious Effect

A random photo. It's a bit old, a couple of weeks, I think, but I've only just uploaded it today. Last time I tried I got The Blue Screen of Death TM, but it all worked fine this time.

This is absolutely, 100% a photo. No special effects what-so-ever. I love taking surreal photos that are completely from life. Confuses people nicely.

Wolverine.

Gasp!: The Gap in the Blog

There is a gap in the blog. Probably not noticable -- anyone wandering through would have thought "Tried for a couple of days and then gave up." Well, it's actually just my routine. I spend the week at my residence at uni, but on the weekends I go home. I love home. At this point, most other teenagers would stare at me and wonder what planet I came from. Nearly all of them want to get out, away from their parents and the confines of home.

I found that the comforts and love and company of home are better than freedom. That is my personal opinion, obviously, and not many people share it, but that's how I see my world.

So, every Friday night I pack up my belongings and head home. It's a two hour train trip or a 45 minute drive, and with baggage the trains would be a nightmare anyway, so I get picked up. Both my parents work, so they don't get here until about 8pm, so I have time to get packed. (Before my mum started her new job, she'd pick me up around 5-6pm.) I wash all the dishes I have left -- that could be anything from one meal's worth to the entire week's (grammar?). All my used clothes get taken home, and any leftover bits of foods -- throwing more than a tiny scrap of food away at the residence tends to bring in the ants, so it's easier just to throw it away at home. It's more than I would have thought from just a week of usage, but it does add up. I also tend to take some uni-work home but not end up getting it done. Home is for relaxing and sleeping and cooking and loving my family.

So, here it is, Sunday night again. I came back earlier this afternoon, like every other week. Packed up pre-cooked meals for the majority of the week, some clean clothes and any other random bits and pieces I need to bring, and head back over. It's normally only half an hour on Sunday afternoons, because it's light traffic. It is, however, down the busiest road in the state (in the country? not sure).

And now, after having read my third book of the weekend and dozed for a couple of hours, I am ready for bed. I'm tired, and I haven't been feeling very good this weekend. In the head, that is; I'm struggling to find a purpose and a reason to keep going with uni and a career and all that. I talked to my dad and he tried to help, and I know it is better than this. Brooding does not help. I know this. What helps is to find the positive things and work with those. Like, right now, I'm about to have a chamomile tea and then get some sleep. That's good. And after tomorrow, all my projects for the semester will be finished. And in just over three weeks, all my exams will be over and I'll have a month's break, during which I can sleep, uninterrupted, at home. They're all good things. I have plans to see friends and smile.

Much better than moping. So, time for that chamomile. Goodnight all!


Wolverine.

Sky Wide Colour

Here's a roughly-done panorama of the sky last night. Aren't the colours just gorgeous?


Miss Wolvie

Chamomile Time

I tried to take some photos today. The sky was gorgeous reds and greys, and I caught the colour, but didn't focus properly. I could see the colour literally fading away every moment, so I just grabbed my camera and shot. I didn't have time to run for my tripod, or to figure out the right settings; I just put the focus on 'infinity' and the white-balance on cloudy and started taking.

When I figure out some photo-uploading thingy I'll put some photos up, because even without a proper focus the colours are worth seeing. One day I'll have enough time to get my tripod set up and focus properly.

Busy day today, with three lectures, one lab class and some work done inbetween. Nearly all the semester work done now, with only one project and a few online quizzes left; then all that remains is revision and exams. I need to fix up my schedule so I can do enough practise exams and figure out my weaknesses (what weaknesses? oh, just everything). Soon.

It's the end of a long day; I'll post a topic-ed post sometime soon, but not right now. Right now it's chamomile time and then bed.


Miss Wolvie

On Being Me

Once this first post is done, then the intro is done. Might as well get it over and done with, hadn't I?

Welcome to my world. It's a bit lopsided, a bit mis-matched, but don't worry. It won't make sense, but it'll soon cease to need too. I'm just enjoying being me! Why bother what other people say? If you don't live your life as you need to, then you'll be unhappy.

Not to say being me is easy. But it would be a lot harder if I didn't try to make my own decisions, based on what I find floating about in my mind. (Odd little gremlins aside, that is. They come in later.)

I'm a first-year uni student in Melbourne, Australia. Typical age. Currently living on campus; a recluse in a party paradise isn't the best combination, but I'm coping. I'm doing an Engineering/Science degree and struggling somewhat right now; it's a tough course, and I didn't want to move out of home. In fact, I resisted it until the very last minute, but that only meant that when I did move I hadn't prepared myself for it, mentally. So I've spent the last semester (remember, southern hemisphere, mid-year is just approaching now; it's almost winter here) trying to settle in. My work suffered somewhat and that's a shame, but it's slowly picking back up. Exams are in three weeks, and after those then I can re-evaluate.

What else do I do when I'm not frantically studying or panicking? Well, this and that. I write on-and-off; have for about four or five years now. I've finished one novel and two-three dozen short stories, although none are great yet, and publication eludes me. However, I am trying to keep up with at least some writing, because otherwise all the random ideas that drift around in my head would get lost in this hectic world.

When I remember to carry my camera around, I also take photos. I tend towards nature photos, especially animals. Birds, possums, insects/grubs, a few of my dogs. There's others in there, of course, and the sky around my uni is fairly gorgeous if I can only find a good place to take it.

I'm also learning to cook from my mum. I'm not very good yet, but I am slowly getting there. There's something wonderful about creating something that's beneficial for that day, right there. Cooking two or three different meals all at once, in preparation for the week, or just helping with the dinner for the evening. Discovering how things come together to make something special. It's just as creative as writing and photography, but also completely different.

And that's about it for now. It's getting on late, and I don't tend to sleep well here; I'm betting most people know that the downfall of student accomodation is noise. However, I'm going to grab some chamomile and then head off to bed. Hopefully I'll catch a full nights sleep.


Miss Wolvie